I’m in a pretty dire situation. I suppose I just need to vent and get my feelings out there. This will be long.
I’m 42 and’ve been battling a chronic illness for over half my life. A softball sized mass was discovered in my left chest at 20 that I endured chemotherapy on and off throughout my twenties into my late thirties to survive (
Here is an old MRI slice). This eventually shrunk it to approximately the size of an egg, removing the threat it presented in proxy to vital organs (growing into my left lung and heart cavities), but unfortunately, it surrounds both my subclavian artery and brachial plexus nerve branches to my left arm which rules out resection. It is now slowly eating into my nerve. This often causes me very raw, tender, white hot, intense pain that radiates throughout my upper left torso like a burning piece of smoldering coal inside me alongside causing lightning bolts of excruciating pain and involuntary muscle spasms in all areas of my chest, back, shoulder, and arm. Due to this, it’s not a situation that would kill so much as make me wish it would. Symptoms aren’t always severe, but they are always present, and are increasing. Bad days are trials. I ceased treatment at 38 because the tumor had shrunk enough, chemotherapy is no way to live, and my body had had enough. Now, it is sending me all too familiar signals (this will be the fourth recurrence). I’ve been advised to see the doctor for another MRI, but to me this is nothing but a formality in confirming what I already know. I think at this point I would rather exist in ignorance and the possibility of hope it affords me, however delusional, than have it stripped away to leave me in absolute poverty and despair. I don’t want to undergo more treatment, I've been through years of chemo already, which says nothing on whether my body could even handle it if I did. In early diagnosis youth was on my side; yet at my age this is a fading ally and it presses the question of whether it would be more harmful than beneficial. My body cannot handle a war of attrition indefinitely.
All this to say, this addresses only the physical aspect of my situation. I don't have much to show for anything in my life currently as treatment constantly pulled me back in for two nearly two decades (along with dealing with the psychological and emotional ramifications) which necessitated a lot of professional, social, and time sacrifices. I've some Jr. college courses, very menial/sporadic work experience, my left arm is disabled, chronic pain and opiates are constant, I live with my folks, subsist on about $1k of disability monthly, find it impossible to relate to and build and hold relationships, and I still have a lot of emotional and psychological baggage. Many of those years were spent simply trying to deal emotionally and not kill myself. In addition to all this, I'm Bipolar II. When I'm not struggling against the lack of motivation or mood swings from it, I'm exhausted by the incessant symptoms of my tumor. Rare is the day I feel both physically and mentally up to snuff enough to do anything. I don't wish to get into it fully as to how my current situation in life doesn't motivate me towards a future one, but I'll just say that the payoff I've gotten for putting up such a tremendous fight, from what I've seen, doesn't warrant any more of it. My symptoms are increasing and I know I've brief time. I try not to think too far off into the future and to take it a day at a time, but worsening symptoms are forcing me to face this reality and what options I have. If I don't undergo more treatment I'm thinking I've 10-15 years (it's a slow growing tumor). That may sound like a lot, but given how bad the symptoms are currently, I don't believe I've more than 5 years, if that, before they become so intolerable that euthanasia or suicide will become reasonable, and appealing, options.
My entire adult life has been spent fighting these illnesses. I'm not an upbeat kind of guy, life's been brutal and it shows. I try to keep a positive and enthusiastic attitude (this has been a must to survive) but it's hard when I'm often in pain and dealing with depression. I'm empty inside, apathy and nihilism are running rampant, and the only thing holding me on is the love for my parents. My mother has dementia and my father is on his last legs. People treat me with disrespect and contempt as I look perfectly healthy from the outside yet am in a position in life that is deemed that of a loser. They see me living with my parents at 40+ with nothing to show that traditionally is indicative of hard work and achievement in society for someone my age. No independence, home, degree, profession, family. They don't understand that that's not due to a lack of ambition or hard work on my part, but is instead the byproduct of the sacrifices I had to make to fight for my health, something they've never had to earn so they see absolutely no value in it. I come from an upper middle class family. My father is an accomplished and well-respected scientist and two of my siblings are Ivy graduates and self-made millionaires. I see everyone with $400k homes, laughing, loving and living high on the affluence the foundation of their health afforded them. Spewing their unearned idealisms to me about how to succeed in life, and their "
wisdom" explaining why those that aren't, aren't.....always with a wink. It's never explicitly stated, but is very implicitly expected, always to be expressed in implication, insinuation, subtlety, nuance, and passive aggressiveness. I'm frankly sick of it, and am growing increasingly bitter to have come out of a very dark tunnel, very proud I survived, only to realize I sit in utter poverty when I've poured my heart, soul, my very being for years into something only to get nothing back except stigma, judgement, and not even the health I had when I began. I don't know how to not be bitter and resentful about this. My fight was undertaken in naive idealism in the hope for a better future. Now that I've fought and survived to see that future, it's not one worth living. Even if I found it in me to start a life at this point (however long it would be), I have this fucking thing threatening again, for the
FOURTH TIME NOW, to pull me back in to an absolute hellish, miserable existence. On top of Bipolar II, which feels to be worsening and which I know, through experience, that treatment will exacerbate a great deal.
I just.......I feel done. Resigned to a life that seems hell bent on not allowing me to live one. How much can I bear? How much do I owe? How much am I expected to do without an inkling of profit? It never seems to be enough. God knows I've made many mistakes in my life, but fucking Christ. I was on my way at twenty, things were lining up and looking bright. Even when things took a drastic turn 22 years ago, I still held the ideal. I was optimistic for a future. I buckled down and grabbed those bootstraps tight, pulling like an absolute
motherfucker for decades to improve my situation in life and it didn't even bring me to the level of status quo. All that effort, pain, for NOTHING. They've consequently snapped, and the ideal has fractured. When life has shown that it doesn't give one shit about the effort I put into improving it, I have to ask myself: why should I?
Yes, I know I'm wallowing in self-pity, well this is the place. I'm not always like this but the past few weeks have been rough. I'm frightened. Absolutely terrified, and I don't know how to deal with this. Many therapists have come and gone, they cannot even scratch the surface, it is wasted money. I'm seriously contemplating saving up a bit and then going on a Bohemian-laden, hedonistic, carnal, drug-filled splurge to end in suicide, preferably with a partner who wants to live sans any and all inhibitions consideration of a future may impose. At this point, I'm not really seeing any other better option.
Although I am not battling your battle, I live with a very rare and painful condition called Hereditary Neuralgic Amyotrophy. I was undiagnosed for years, and the pain essentially aligns up with Fibromyalgia is what many thought I might have been suffering with. Since age 17 I’ve been battling this neurological disease and the pain has been constant
It’s not a matter of giving up for me. There was only one time that I felt like like killing myself, because I never would allow my dreams to fade, but on that day I lay on a bed with several ice packs, nearly unable to move a thing due to so much pain in my legs and back due to several injuries. The thought had entered my mind that maybe I would never climb up out of the unbelievably deep hole I was in. I climbed and clawed and fell down more times than I can even say. Hundreds? Hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds of setbacks? I think it was around that number, I was constantly straining muscles due to this disease and mistakes made. One time after months and months of PT and giving everything I had; asking questions, taking notes, ice three to five times a day every single day, praying, resting doing everything I possibly could to reach my goal of health and be able to play basketball again—my PT who was a chick looked at me after I was telling her about my issues or something, with cold, contempt eyes, and suggested that maybe it’s in my head and that I was maybe fine (despite not feeling close to ‘fine’ or anywhere near) and it really upset me. One, because she thought I must have been lying or faking or some shit. Two, because she as my PT had given up on me, when I was clearly 100% dedicated to the utmost of improving and doing what I had to do to return to where I wanted to be, to reach my destination and goals. Even therapists betray their very own values. You are never supposed to give up on any person. Yourself included imo. I fought from age 17, PT all over the place, three different places from 17-19, running through quacks and mediocre doctors like nothing. Until one year, my sister’s bf’s sister had recommended her doctor to my sister, who had told my mom. And they set me up with an appt. He checked me out, gave me PT with his team and his guy who he thought was the best, and I repeated the same routine towards reaching excellence with a fiery passion and steadfast belief in chasing my goal. He really was the best, he helped me achieve my goal towards health and I was playing bball again after 5 fierce years of depression, pain, futile attempts that lead to nowhere. It took five years, but I climbed, I clawed, I stumbled and and went two steps backward and one forward many times, but once I was with the right team I had an opportunity. I wouldn’t lose my placing in that dark hole climbing up towards the light. If I had to I was going to punch through the fucking dirt and hang there by my arm so I wouldn’t fall again. It was steady progression all the way; I fiercely stood for it and fought without letting up. Three times a week in the gym doing the small things that would add up, hours dedicated to the fight every day. My mind was on it
And although I did it mostly on my part that I recall, to get my health back in order for my life, I am glad I fought so hard. Because there are people watching over us in this life. Our parents perhaps, our siblings perhaps, you may not even notice it or ever notice it. Even every day people at work or say around you, there are good people doing good things and everybody will hope that you can and will find your way. And above all, God is close wherever you go and He is with you Himself, watching over you with a level of love that would have you in tears if only you could know. If only you could know just how limitless his love for you is. He wants you to succeed and live well and triumph past your greatest roadblocks and struggles. He wants nothing more than that out of love that will be moving towards that. But always remember, we have free will. We are GIVEN free will. It is God’s gift to us to express that we are in charge as much as He is on many levels; to what we can HANDLE. Nothing further than what we can handle is given in my belief. Please understand my brother, that although you are in pain and may feel like giving up; that there is a way through God to achieve what you wish to achieve and what you need to achieve. Your health is worth fighting for with every single cell that you can stimulate in your body, for the cause / for the mission. You know what it will take. You must go for it. With all your might, with all your intelligence. With all your ability and strength and everything you have; your entire spirit must be in this fight. Give it everything and pray to God for guidance, for reassurance, for help, for emotional security, for every single need in this life you must speak with God and He will lead you. You have to believe in yourself and you have to believe in the Almighty God that will undoubtedly guide you towards being your best in this fight
It’s cancer. This is a fight in which only truth; the very strict adherence to truth will save us. It is impossible to succeed if you do not actively seek and adhere to living your life to the truth. What do I mean? You have to come to an understanding of certain truths to advance your health along to where it needs to be. In my case, I had to learn the body’s many systems, the ways of musculature and tissues and nutrition and health its entirely as a subject if I am to live well. I must know it, I must live it and I must never lose sight of it in my mind. There must be MINIMAL slip ups for you and I brother. MINIMAL. Even minimal is too many. You and I must aim for ZERO mistakes in our walking a narrow path towards better health. Sugar? Our liver will create / synthesize what we need. I believe a vegan keto diet filled with raw foods will relieve us the pain we fight daily. You have to start living to eat PERFECTLY my friend. We both do. Everyone does, truth be told, eventually eating all these harmful foods is going to rob everybody of years off their life. There are no exceptions. None. Every single man, woman, and child will be robbed of years off their livelihood based off their choices of what they put into their bodies, and how they think even. Everything counts!
So you must learn nutrition with all your might. You must bro, it’s an everyday factor that determines much
A gallon and a half of the best quality water you can buy, put some Himalayan pink salt in there if you can stand the taste, maybe a teaspoon in the gallon and a half and drink like it’s do or die. Water is UNBELIEVABLY crucial to energy and life. Drink water all the time, make it a habit. Adding trace minerals to it will be even more beneficial for you. And your body regulates water with the help of sodium and potassium by the way. So you need sodium in your diet daily, with each meal, and you need to start thinking about nutrient dense, potassium-rich foods with every meal
Study and know exactly what the body needs for survival. It is mainly water. And oxygen. Perfect your knowledge of water. Perfect the breath. Perfect bringing oxygen to all your body so that it may be delivered in perfect amount to every cell that could use it and needs it. Those are key: Drinking water and breathing. Mastering water intake and mastering the breath
Know ALL nutrients that your body needs and get them in your system. High quality Multi-vitamins will be of great help. And they are extremely useful when you decide to fasg if you decide to fast at any point to rid your body of unnecessary waste and such. Salt either by pink salt or maybe celtic sea salt will give you the minerals you need during a fast as well
Eat foods high in magnesium and dont underestimate powerful foods. Eat superfoods with zero sugar every day. Get vitamin d3 in your system 3,000 IU every day or every other day
All vitamins, minerals, enzymes, probiotics, organic acids, that will help you—include them in your diet. Do not underestimate probiotics, vitamin C derived from plants or herbs with zero to low sugar. Broccoli is filled with vitamin C and low in sugar. Vitamin D I believe regulates over 3,000+ different gene expressions thag determine the strength of our immune system; our immune system’s functioning and strength. Probiotics play a huge role in white blood cells as well I think, I still need to read into that. Linus Pauling, the only individual to win 2 nobel peace prizes in Chemistry has demonstrates that Vitamin C has incredible healing potential when mega dosages are administered so look into that. Nutrition is the doctor. NUTRITION is your ticket out. Everyone’s ticket to be precise. We all must master it if we are to live correctly, and live well. Everybody is suffering at one level or another. Everyone. Why? It’s due to habits that lead to our demise. I watched my grandmother suffer from cancer. Her diet was horrendous. I am sure that played a major part. It was breast cancer. Ever since then, I have to think that poor choices with foods and drinks and anything we put into out bodies is the reason out bodies fail us. The very air we breath is filled with carcinogens. So this world os simply not an ally. Our only ally is God, and ourselves as one family trying to survive here on Earth as best we can. And it is survival. It’s a battle that will taken down even the most legendary warriors that ever put it down here on the planet. But it’s all worth fighting for and fighting hard for. Don’t let anything distract you. Don’t let the evils of this world that is not of us, get to you. The internet at large is a wasteland most of the time, people in the world who say you can do this, or that, or anything negative to hurt and mislead another; that’s there and it exists. But what needs to exist more than anything, is your belief. Believe fully in yourself, in your ability. Believe fully in God and his ways and that there is truth for you to find and live by and when you do all these things and live correctly, you can live the life you want to or at the very least fight to the very best of your ability reaching for it. That’s how I want to go out. I want to one day stand tall before all as a man of God and truth and live the life I want to live and that God Himself would approve of. Because all I aim to do is live well and bring others with me if I can to a better place here on Earth. All I’m shooting for is to improve and live by truth and God as flawed as I am and I believe that will be enough. But I’ve come to realize that through God is the only way to accomplish much. I have lived it. I have been without God in my life because I never intimately had established a relationship with him until age 19. I built with God and Jesus under their teachings any that I could understand and apply to my life. It brought me to certain truths little by little over the years. And as time went by and I continued to learn, I eventually reached a level that I aimed for. And then I continued on. And eventually I lost sight of God’s teachings as many will, and things haven’t been the same since. I’m calling for you and I to live our lives under God’s supervision my brother. His full guidance, so that we may thrive. Let us learn his teachings daily and abide by them so that we can again find truth that will guide us to our salvation. Guide us to life. It’s written that few will find it. And that is true. To find life, you must know life. And to know life in its entirety, I believe it is crucial that you must be on the same page with the Most High. With God
PanzerAzel
I know it is very difficult. I have had days doubled over at moments in pain that would cripple me for moments or minutes and offset the vicious cycle of pain and injury. But I know there is a way out. I just need to live by God and He will protect me in every way that I allow; by living according to what will being me life. It is the same with you. And it is the same with everyone. Find it in you to fight again. To fight with such a determination, that you believe it is impossible for you to fail. That cookie or cake or ice cream on the table is our enemy. Sugar will feed the cancer cells in our bodies, I believe. Acrylamide in baked goods and highly heated or charred meats, is a carcinogen. Avoid if we can. Carbs will turn into sugar and we can’t allow much of that into our diets. There are so many ways to fight, and protect our bodies. That is what needs be done. There can be no mistakes. A craving? You have to, you have to reach for the healthy teas and stevia or monk fruit. Or drink water. We cant have any sugary drinks. Everything we put into our bodies must be nutrient dense or have healing capabilities within it. Something to aid our bodies or something that will nourish our bodies. It’s tough, but once we finally find t he right diet for health and take no shorts, do not allow any harmful options, I believe that is when true living will be achieved. You need a radical approach because the world we live in is so backwards from what is right for us. For 19 years, I had barely at all even thought of God; and that was what I needed in my life all that time. It was only then that I saw clearly what I must do, and how to do it, and to have the ability to to do what I needed to do. It was all thanks to God and what he gave in my life
And one last thing my bro, success is not living away from your parents or baging an empty bitch in a house you live in alone or even having all the money you could ever need attained by the fruit of your own labor. Look where all these people with money are. They power trip. They put money over people’s heads and kill others for what? For the small bit of respect they demand? Is that what a life is worth to them? That little? They are wrong and they are lost. Many people are wrong and they are lost no matter what material possessions they have in their lives. True success imo is living for God, in harmony with others. Living in harmony with those you love and showing love to others. To even be able to do that, is impossible for some most of the time because their hearts are full of hate. Some days I go most of my day with thoughts of hate, and murder, of violence and other horrible things that stem from my heart. And then I’ll remember God, and I’ll think of those I was just thinking terrible of, and see the beauty of the it being, the power they possess if they would only realize it. How sacred they are to God and their loved ones. And I begin to actually break down in sorrow because I am so wrong at times and missing so many truths because I am not fully understanding all that is in the bible in which I should, all of God’s lessons, commandments, and all in all, God’s word. If I can just get back to that, to that high level of pursuit towards following God and His ways and living according to his instruction, I know and believe I am successful. Because I have felt it. I have been in it. And have experienced what it is like to give sincere dedication to living how He intended for us to approach life. And I have lost my way from that as well. The difference is night and day. You truly can get little to nothing done without God if you stray from the vine and cut yourself off so to say. You must be one with God and everything will be starting to look up in time. I know if I can achieve that same oneness with God again, my problems will be well within solving, and yours will be too. There will be trials ahead, but with God they are doable
And as long as I try my best to reach God and my goals in this life, I die a success. I have been rich in life thanks to God despite having barely enough to get by. The money is trivial. Even in this world where it may seem King; it is trivial. Money is nothing but paper to buy with. And your needs are shelter, food, water, and love is what it comes down to. Real success to me is living by God and achieving my dreams. But I have found that my dreams are impossible to achieve without God. I can’t really describe it fully, I simply know it to be true within me. I’m too prone to fuck things up. But when I am living according to what I believe is the will of God, I find my purpose and my steps are straight forward toward where I need and want to go simultaneously
You are obviously a true fighter with an immense spirit. I believe you are. You have to believe you are too and that’s why you need to give this challenge, this battle your absolute all. I believe with God that you will be able to rid yourself of whatever you set your mind to. I have a nerve disease that affects me but I fully and I mean 100% with zero doubt, believe that one day I will have the recipe for living my life without having to deal with an attack again. Through optimal nutrition. Exercise. Through breathing and overall living as I should. And God will be the reason I am able to achieve that reality. I believe it 100% is so, and possible, and that’s why I refuse to give up. I’m praying that you too will find your way and resolve all your problems, and rid your body of the mass. I think it is possible, and that you should seriously consider mapping out the ultimate plan and strategy to fight this thing, and go for it firing everything you have at it. If I leave you with anything, it is the sole fact that my greatest strengths and feats in this life are thanks to God. And that I know that it is truly possible to achieve what you set out to achieve within reasonable limits. Ridding yourself of the mass in your upper chest is reasonable and possible, please believe in yourself and please seek God and His way, his teachings, and commandments. Following God and Jesus, I believe, is what sets a man straight in this life where it is easy to go astray and lose much without their help
I came to this thread in pain, and a lot of emotional built up trauma. But your post has made me realize what I need to do. I need to do exactly as I said: reach for more understanding, reach for more perfection and truth and mend myself as I have done before. I’ve been broken for years at a time since 17, having a year of success or so where I was alright only to fall down again and repeat the same vicious cycle all over again as it’s happened before. I believe it comes back to me because I am not living right. Not living according to truth. Not living according to God. I cannot win without them. I simply cannot. I think it’s finally time to go for it like I never have before and never look back. This is what is will be, to love God with all my might and all my spirit. I’m going to find my best years in this life soon, and I’m going to do it all with my efforts and sticking close to God. I think you need to do the same and you will be well just as I will be in time
Tesseract
and
DragoonKain
Damn you, Covid for ruining everything.
