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[teezzy]

Darkmakaimura

posting here may be adding to your anxiety tbh

are you able to like... go for a walk? what's your diet like?

 

[Darkmakaimura]

Darkmakaimura

posting here may be adding to your anxiety tbh

are you able to like... go for a walk? what's your diet like?

Last night I mentioned I was posting more often here to try and relieve the anxiety.

Mental Health |AT| GAF

all my friends and family have moved on or died, it's just me now and i'm feeling stuck where i am with no personal connections to anyone dunno what i'm gonna do, maybe join the military once and for all, roam the earth for a couple months, live in the sprawl or become a farm hand somewhere...

www.neogaf.com

It's not posting here causing the anxiety and I don't do social media anymore.

I did go outside and walk a little. Didn't help too much.

 

[teezzy]

yeah i know, that's why i mentioned it.

i hope for the best for you, sir. just do your best to stay active and relieve that tension through something productive. anything productive. good outweighs the bad etc

im a dude who was scripted xanax like a decade ago, got legit hooked and binged 'em like any jackass teen with a xanax script would, had a little intervention with myself and threw the rest in the trash and eventually just started focusing on self improvement and it did wonders. still have attacks here and there and get hypermanic every so often but ive got it under control mostly

you may be going something different than i am. diet and exercise help a lot. cleaning your home, etc. anything productive, anything with motion - at least from personal experience

godspeed.

 

[Jill Valentine]

This makes me feel better. Sick solo towards the end too.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

I know this is going to sound very bad, but I'm just being honest, but I really wish I had some chardonnay.

I can't calm down and I've lost my appetite. I've barely eaten since Sunday.

Nothing is helping.

I've done all these everyone will always recommend....

Walking outdoors, gaming, posting here, taking deep breaths.... I'm trying everything and I'm just having major anxiety attacks.

I have no money to really do anything beyond that. I can't even afford a few drinks if I wanted too.

I'm panicking right now. Like "going in circles" panicking and mild shakes.

This sucks.

Btw there is a reason for all this but I don't feel comfortable talking about it right now. A part of it too is the lack of money.

 

[Jill Valentine]

Nothing is helping.

I've done all these everyone will always recommend....

Walking outdoors, gaming, posting here, taking deep breaths.... I'm trying everything and I'm just having major anxiety attacks.

Fuck I know this feeling too well. Worst part is the free healthcare here recommending as such. Basically someone selling you a placebo as a medical answer.

I've roped around it for for years. Circling for the answer.

When you do find improvements you never quite know what was the answer because there's a myriad of things you were doing.

Here's my current list;

• I can't eat wheat (even though it can be good for digestive health..(
  • Wheat is a massive irritant for me and I would find myself ballooning up and feeling bloated
  • I would actually feel worse even though I was eating more and more fibre from wheat grain
• Most people don't understand what exercise is
  • Think about the range of different activities that people say to do because it's "exercise". They differ so much
    • So what part is the actual exercise? Muscle strain? movement?
    • What's the element that makes one form better than the other?
  • The real exercise is the heart?
    • How do you exercise a muscle that's inside your chest?
      • The muscles feel a lack of oxygen from use.
      • The blood is pumped harder and faster to get the oxygen to those muscles
      • A reflex is started to get more oxygen into the lungs for the blood
  • What does this mean? And what should you do?
    • This means that you can do more powerful EXERCISE laying in your bed than you can do walking
    • This is why yoga is more powerful an exercise than maybe even weightlifting with much less exertion
    • Drawing in tons of oxygen, and holding your breath achieves the same effect as conventional exercise and you have complete control over it
      • There's "So Hum breathing" or the Wim Hof method, you can learn basic principles in less than two minutes
• Diet in general
  • I've went back to low carb after 1.5 years, by accident
    • 100g would probably be my max intake of carbs a day
  • I've quite caffeine again, decaff is also no good
    • I'm back to stricly water but I piss like crazy 30 minutes after consumption
  • What you eat is important and WHEN
    • The body fatigues most heavily as more food processing in the system
      • It takes approx. 8 hours to digest
        • This means what you eat in the morning for breakfast will require blood to digest at the same time as dinner if it's still digesting
          • Less oxygenated blood for the brain = feeling awful
          • Poor "fitness" = worse circulation and feeling more fatigue from food digestion
    • Eating in a window at strict intervals massively improves mood
      • I eat 3 times with 4 hour spacing.
        • This results in 3 meals
        • Outside of these windows I drink strictly water
    • I eat 3 simple meals
      • Fish (breaded cause it's convenient but avoid bread) and almond butter
      • Porridge oats with almond milk and green vegetables, and almond butter
      • A low carb meal replacement drink (You can find something much better here) and almond butter
      • This results in shitting maybe twice a day with enough water intake (1.5-2 liters)
    • "Simply switch to green veg"
      • Most people are retarded like me and struggle to make something appetizing from greens
      • It will be a struggle to hit calorie counts with greens alone (use a nut butter for healthy fats and cheap)
      • Try to pair it with chicken or fish rather than any mammal meats, especially pork
• Waking times
  • If youre not getting to sleep at a good time like midnight to 8am, your diet efforts become undone
  • Youll feel shit in general
  • Blue screens really disturb this
    • I would use the night light on your screens all day, as close to max as possible (I use 80 or so - W10)
  • What if you can't sleep
    • Improving breathing muscles and blood oxygenation will gradually lead to improved sleep
      • Takes time so it's a problem
      • Doubt arises when it doesnt work
• Posture
  • Sitting in chairs is a mental health hazard
    • It restricts the breathing muscles below the stomach when tends to curve inwards
    • The leg muscles begin to become lazy and circulation worsens over time
    • What are the real alternatives?
      • Standing is also not a solution, I've tried
      • Learning to sit cross-legged is good but hard to maintain, also difficult to be productive with
      • A kneeling chair is the best result I've had but a GOOD one is expensive, but will last a lifetime.... and can be productive with.
        • Hard if you've got no $$$
  • Research "hara breathing"
    • It's Japanese so it must be good
    • I'm still not knowledgeable about this
    • The principle is to engage the lower abdomen at all times and let the breath fall out over 8 seconds minimum.
      • Difficult to do as at first your body will panic by reflex, especially if your muscles are too weak to intake enough oxygen.
      • It's like Donald Trump breathing...
        • You do end up with a swollen Buddha belly but it's worth it.
          • Watch when he has his clothes off
• Cold showers
  • Flushes out stress hormones and replaces it with survival hormones

Just quick thoughts.

 

[Northeastmonk]

I was told that a hot bath is good for anxiety. It’s what mental wards did for their patients when they wouldn’t stop panicking.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

I was told that a hot bath is good for anxiety. It’s what mental wards did for their patients when they wouldn’t stop panicking.

I took two showers today and I always take hot or even "steam" baths when I can. The latter also temporarily relieves my nasal congestion when I have it.

I guess re-reading you mean actual baths though. I've done that and it helps but very short.

I'm having regular anxiety attacks since Sunday. My heart is racing fast even now and my appetite is almost completely non-existent. I had to force myself to eat a tuna sandwich and a cherry turnover tonight and that is more than I've eaten in the usual night this past week.

I'm feeling slightly nauseous. Not hanging-over-the-toilet nauseous but just sick to my stomach, feeling I might be "relieved" if I did.

As far as sleep goes, I'm actually sleeping somewhat but I go to bed late and struggle to wake up.

 

[Jill Valentine]

Personally when I am cloaked in warm water I daydream heavily and become somewhat sleepy which makes my problems worse.

Imagine a man with mental problems. He's lethargic and stiff, and his mind races over many things. Now imagine putting that man in a cage with a Lion. You'll find his problems disappear quickly as survival becomes the only priority. THUS, the cold shower. It's like getting in with the lion & learning to wrestle it. Other things seeming more relatively tolerable as a result is the goal. One of many steps though.

 

[TalentedMrJ]

When I get sad I can't move. Like my body shuts down. I just lay on the floor or catch. Barely have the energy to pick up the remote and turn on the TV. I'll try to nap. Or close my eyes and see a better life. Or least one that I believe will bring me happiness and joy. Usually involving a beautiful woman that cares for me deeply.

Or I get pissed off and sell a bunch of old shit to clear clutter. Could be a good thing though. Last episode I had saw my sell my 1X. Doing so forced me out of the house. Taking pictures and walking on trails. Fun and relaxing activities but going it alone is only fun for so long. Have a relationship but she's picked her career over family. Has the choice to return to days but prefers nights cause of the relaxed atmosphere. This leaves me alone most of the week. And I can't be turned on and off like a light switch so I kinda have a fuck off attitude when she finally makes herself available.

Wanting to grab a turquoise switch lite with Animal Crossing and Paper Mario. Why? Temporary happiness boost I guess. Something else to waste time on.

Feel like the male version of Cinderella. Waiting for my Princess in shining armor. Suffered a lot of abuse throughout life. Has definitely changed my outlook on the world.

Anyway, hope y'all start feeling better. Have some wishes and desires granted. Good luck

 

[Darkmakaimura]

I've had about three or four friends, online and irl, that have either seem very distant when talking to me or just straight out avoiding me.

And no, not all of them for the most part, was I whining about any problems.

I feel like I'm annoying everyone. I dunno if I should just stay offline completely for the next few days.

 

[teezzy]

Anyone here try lifting weights?

 

[Darkmakaimura]

Anyone here try lifting weights?

Nope. I probably should considering I'm an unhealthy weight. 6 foot 2 inches but weigh around 155 lbs but maybe less now since I'm barely eating.

 

[Freeman76]

Hey guys not sure if allowed here, but ive been a counsellor for 13 years, and have become very proficient with experience. I make free mental health advice videos on this page

Www.facebook.com/freemantherapy1976

Maybe have a look sometime, I rarely promote the page its been live for like 7 years and i only have 600 followers, but I have been told numerous times my approach is down to earth and relatable and I do my best to put that across on the page.

I am also happy to produce specific videos for anyone who has anything they want covered, u can always dm me here or through the page on fb, if you want.

Cheers

 

[eot]

I unlocked some kind of depression achievement today.

Me: on date with a pretty girl, going well, chilling on a bench (made out later).
Random girl walks up and asks: why do you look so sad? Are you okay?
Then keeps insisting for a bit.

 

[TaySan]

I'm moving next year and I couldn't be more excited! Some new scenery should cheer me up.

 

[Grand Theft Scratchy]

I've had about three or four friends, online and irl, that have either seem very distant when talking to me or just straight out avoiding me.

And no, not all of them for the most part, was I whining about any problems.

I feel like I'm annoying everyone. I dunno if I should just stay offline completely for the next few days.

I know the feeling and it is your depression and anxiety. We end up imagining things that aren't really true. Still, I would recommend taking a break from social media, and focus your mind on doing something more productive, maybe a hobby you might have enjoyed in the past that you fell out of, or find a new one. Something you enjoy that you can take pride in doing.

Honestly, about the whining, it's important to note that this year has been hard on a lot of people. It will get better but you have to be in the right mindset. Be strong and remain positive. Take a break but don't just shut down and don't stop talking to friends/family altogether.

 

[teezzy]

Nope. I probably should considering I'm an unhealthy weight. 6 foot 2 inches but weigh around 155 lbs but maybe less now since I'm barely eating.

You should eat, dude. Even if it's cheap shit like eggs and rice and stuff. Ground beef, spinach, almonds etc

If you want a healthy mind you gotta give it the appropriate fuel. Hell, I'm 5'9" and 175.

If you can grind in Disgaea, you can bulk up.

If it's worth anything man, I believe in ya. Even if I am just some rando on the internet

 

[The Scrivener]

Random girl walks up and asks: why do you look so sad? Are you okay?

You think that's bad. On my wedding day, getting to the restaurant after the vows, the head waitress asks me the very same question. FML. There's always someone worse off. Nothing can mask it unfortunately, the sadness always shines out.

 

[Audiophile]

My main advice in regards to mental health is SSRI's (or similar) should absolutely be a last resort, don't mess around with them unless it's an absolute necessity.

I've suffered from Depersonalisation (DP) and Derealisation (DR) since the age of 12, brought on by a generally anxious temperament, extreme stress leading up to a Leukemia diagnosis as a child and a brief blackout.

I'd learned to deal with it over the years, but eventually my doctor convinced me to use an SSRI (Citalopram) off-label to see if it helped me clear it up entirely, I was around 20 when I started on them. Unfortunately it didn't do a thing for the DP/DR, the main side-effect was Akathisia which subsided after a few months, but I stupidly stayed on them for a while just to see if it helped.

Years passed; and I was in a great position, so I decided to wean off them very, very slowly as you should. This left me an absolute train-wreck, I'd never had depression and I was initially given them for an off-label use (the DP/DR) for which they did nothing, yet I developed severe depression from the withdrawals. The doctors however do not officially recognise this as withdrawals. They call it "discontinuation syndrome" and say it usually last a few weeks, maybe months...and that's it. The reality is for some that it can last years and be absolutely horrific.

After 9 months off I eventually caved and went back on, I simply couldn't deal with the effects anymore. Especially when I had to work too. At this point I was effectively addicted to a prescription drug that served no purpose and induced the very thing it is primarily prescribed for. I went back on a low dose and the depression was better but never went away, I simply wasn't to be the same ever again, the Akathisia side-effects eventually kicked in, only this time they didn't go away, they persisted for two years to the point where I had to take action again. I once again weaned very carefully, but knowing how bad the SSRI-induced depression was, I tried a few different anti-depressants to see if it kept the depression in check (at least to a point) while not giving me akathisia. Everything came with weird and unwonderful side-effects...

So, a little over a year ago I said enough is enough. And have been off for 13 months now. The akathisia remains mild to moderate, the depression remains moderate to severe and the reason I went on them in the first place -- the DP/DR -- remains about the same as before I went on them; though all three compound each other greatly. My brain is pretty much broken, I'm indifferent to many of the things I love, I can't sit enjoy the things I do manage to muster up the willpower to do because the akathisia makes me want to tear my skin off. But, I flat out will not touch them or anything like them again. I only hope my body and brain can balance itself out again.

Having an abundance of serotonin sitting between your synapses, it's only natural that the bodies ability to maintain homeostasis has the potential to become incredibly impaired, not just in regards to the serotonin but the knock on effects across your other neurotransmitters. It's a complex system we still do not understand and these powerful drugs should not be fucked with lightly. I basically have either a chemical dependence that still hasn't resolved itself in over a year and very well may never recover or inadvertent lasting damage; that speaks to how powerful it is.

I took the easy way out for an issue I'd mostly learned to deal with myself and have paid the price; and I must ultimately take a large chunk of the responsibility. But doctors need to stop handing these things out like smarties for people who are "a bit sad" or for longshot, off-label uses with no major evidence of effect. Multiple studies show their efficacy is very poor for most people.

I absolutely agree some people stand to benefit from them and for some people it is a life-saver. I'm sure there are some of you in this thread. But going back, the only reason I would touch them is if I was imminently suicidal and had exhausted every other avenue; and even then they can be detrimental; and there should be a regular and extremely vigilante dialogue maintained between doctor and patient.

 

[Komatsu]

I guess re-reading you mean actual baths though. I've done that and it helps but very short.

I heartily recommend buying and sleeping with a weighted blanket. When you feel your heart start racing, jump under it and let the weight envelop your body. I am an anxious person myself and one of my psychiatrist friends recommended it to me as a non-medical measure and it does work, at least for me.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

I heartily recommend buying and sleeping with a weighted blanket. When you feel your heart start racing, jump under it and let the weight envelop your body. I am anxious person myself and one of my psychiatrist friends recommended it to me as a non-medical measure and it does work, at least for me.

I heard about those. I know autistic people use that.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

I think before the year ends, I'm going to have at least a minor breakdown.

Holidays are approaching and I'm going to have no money. I've had help to pay my phone bill but beyond that, things are bleak.

I've been trying to find work the past month and a half to the point I'm becoming physically and mentally exhausted. I've kind of slacked off due to severe anxiety the past 4 or 5 days.

There doesn't seem to be any stimulus relief in sight and I'm frustrated and angry at these rotten, useless politicians holding the bill up.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

I'm not saying this lightly when I honestly wish I was never born.

Tonight was it. It was the final straw and tipping point.

 

[Explosive Zombie]

I'm not saying this lightly when I honestly wish I was never born.

Tonight was it. It was the final straw and tipping point.

Man, don't be that way. I had a bad night tonight too... well honestly it was a good night for most of it, I feel like my worst nights always start out amazing, I can't have a high without a big low and I just feel awful at the moment. You gotta persevere though, I'm trying, I hope you do, too

 

[Jill Valentine]

I've now ditched Oats and am going full chicken/fish, frozen vegetables (refrigerated too is too expensive) and almond butter with some almond milk. Basically Paleo. Noticed I can't eat Oats for sure as I would get seriously gassy later in the evenings. Fuck I can't eat any "enjoyable foods" so who the fuck am I kidding, I'll have IBS or whatever the fuck I have no matter what I do. Gotta keep trying and this diet seemed impossible to meet before but I've been pretty close for a while now. It's basically keto/paleo. Last time I did keto I was eating trash like French Cheese and Pork scratchings, and Nandos sauce all the time. Had some serious analroids. Not really getting that issue this time.

I NEVER GIVE UP. My whole goal is to feel normal and not suffer, AND then get things done. It's the highest form of procrastination.

I'm not saying this lightly when I honestly wish I was never born.

Tonight was it. It was the final straw and tipping point.

Life sucks ass when you become ill, physically and mentally. It's hard to understand for those who are fortunate enough to hold off illnesses until later life.

 

[GardenOfAbbylon]

Been staring at my screen for awhile. I saw this topic, read through, and then bounced back and forth between "Privacy" and "You always end up oversharing anyway". But I preach all the time offline that mental health discussions need to stop being so taboo in this country so here we go.

My name is Abby (not giving anything away, it's in my username and i'm sure people put 2 and 2 together) and i'm in my 20's. I've always had struggles with depression and bad thoughts, but i'd always been able to manage them and put on a great happy facade for people. When things got bad (which i'll get to), it was filled with, "I never suspected she had issues" from everyone. I think it was a combination of environment and brain chemistry. Something obviously isn't right in my head, but I grew up in an extremely Republican, conservative, religious, white, small, midwest town. The white part matters because i'm mixed race, and to the people in that town, it just meant I was not white and I honestly was treated different because of it. I remember once cops were called on me for breaking something on the other side of town, when I wasn't even in town that day. And mom wonders why I never come back to visit. That place was terrible to me.

But it was during that time, that the combination of environment/brain chemistry made for some serious depressive bouts. I was young and didn't prepare adequately, but I did attempt suicide twice. No one ever found out. I moved to the 'city' after high school and things improved a bit. Still very white, but there was a better mixture and I rarely had racial epitaphs thrown at me. It was also after high school that weight gain crept up on me. I continued to struggle with nonstop depression, and never told anyone. I wasn't ashamed, I just thought I could handle it on my own. But I spent a lot of time alone, which wasn't good for me.

Finally in 2015, I had enough. I decided to take 12 months (June 2015-June 2016) to get healthy. My diet and working out regime was insane. I share it with people sometimes and they all think I was insane. I ended up dropping 103 lbs in that 12 months. I had started seeing someone in 2016 even, which had been the first time in awhile. My depression was still there, but it was like, running on a slightly quieter wavelength (if that makes sense). Well, that relationship ended up being toxic with them lying to me constantly and cheating on me with their ex. At the time, my beloved cat (who I posted in the pets thread) had just been diagnosed with lymphoma, and everything else in my life kinda went off the rails. And it was like all that bottled depression and stress erupted like a Yellowstone geyser, and I attempted to end my life. Cops got involved for the first time and I ended up spending time in the mental health ward at a local hospital. I checked out 3 days later (against doctors orders), and wound up back in 3 days later. I spent a decent amount of time there this time.

I got out and started therapy and anti-depressants. The latter didn't work long. My body seemed to acclimate fast and the positive effects just faded. I ended up not refilling my prescription after a point, and it didn't change anything from the previous few weeks. I continued going to therapy though. It seemed to help some. I moved in with some new friends, and everything seemed to be improving. I quit therapy in February 2019 though once my therapist made an inappropriate, unprompted comment to my face about my boobs. I just never set up another appointment after that day, and his office never reached out to me. Things went bad with my new roommates and I decided I needed a change. I stored stuff in my friends shed, packed up my car, and moved to Minnesota.

The depression is still gnawing at me. Things started off well enough. I had a job, and was let go after a few months. That really was a blow to my psyche because i'd never been fired from a job before. Ever. And it wasn't for anything that I did. It was strictly political, so to say. I got another job less than a week later and I did end up losing that one in Feb/Mar of this year because I spoke up at a meeting about concerns on how the company is ignoring covid precautions. Right after that, the riots started and then covid lockdown. I ended up getting covid at the end of summer. Also, right before I lost my 2nd job, I started seeing someone. First time in 3 1/2 years. So during this time of riots/covid, I haven't been working. Got money from stimulus, the bonus unemployment money, and just unemployment in general. My SO decided it'd be best if I didn't work, because then I can take care of apartment stuff and driving them to work/class/etc. And I am ok with playing housewife essentially. I feel worthless not bringing in money though. And that's been doing a number on my depression, on top of my cat of 16 years passing away recently. (RIP 2001-2020). Unemployment runs out next week and while i'm finally looking for work (at my insistence), i'm not optimistic. People are different here when it comes to employment than back home. And I worry. I worry I won't be able to pull my weight financially. Rent is already almost late and I am so short. I talked with mom about maybe borrowing some. I have till Friday. So there's a huge stresser there.

As silly as it sounds to people, my brain had flirtations with suicide after I lost my cat. I still cry all the time over the loss of him. But he was more than a pet, he was like family. I had him for 16 years. It's just not the same without him. I don't even believe in life after death but I thought that maybe, just maybe, I would have SOME chance of seeing him again if I was dead as well. I've always felt like i've been a bother to people. Online, offline, whatever. I get people have their own lives and maybe they don't wanna talk to me 24/7 but I have serious abandonment issues from growing up till now. It just feels like i'm not worth anyones time unless they need something. Even my friend group now, I secretly thing they only humour me because they like my SO. I've also gained weight since I moved here (after dropping 40 lbs in 3 months too right before I moved), and i'm extremely unhappy with my appearance. Everyone says, "You're not fat", but i'm definitely chunkier than I was over a year and a half ago. I've also always had a severe body dysmorphia/disassociation issue too so that combined with some recent weight gain, I feel like i'm too grotesque to be seen by other people. That i'm worthless, and better off dead. And i'm not even a vain person. I just feel like i'm so terrible inside and out that i'm not worth anything.

The only reason I haven't killed myself is it'd inconvenience my SO. They have a lot on their plate and i'm not worth enough to disrupt it for any means. They are aware of my mental health issues, but I don't think they know about the severity. I can't do therapy as I have no insurance. I can barely afford my meds for unrelated issues either. And without them, I will die. So that's always a worry on my mind. Am I that pathetic that even my body is working against me to do the simple act of living, that I need to take meds twice daily to stave off an early death? Those meds could go to someone else, why should I even keep taking them? I won't amount to anything anyway. I love my SO and they love me but I KNOW they can do better. Anyone would be better than me. I have nothing to offer anyone.

I just don't know what to do anymore. That with such political division in this country, and the rampant greed, I just don't wanna deal with anything anymore. If i'm dead, I don't have to work, I don't have to risk getting Covid again (which i'm terrified to return to work because people made masks political like a bunch of jabronis), I don't have to deal with this insurance crap, I don't have to pay insurance, my SO can find someone better, resources I consume can go to others. So, why bother living? I've been running but i'm always barely avoiding running out of fight. I'm tired of fighting.

And this has been my overshare.

EDIT: This wouldn't have been so long if I was on my phone. I finally dug my laptop out of the closet. So, with a full keyboard, I have diarrhea of the fingers

 

[Northeastmonk]

GardenOfAbbylon one thing I didn’t know in my 20’s is how much I could move beyond my 20’s. I think the same thing applies to being a teenager. During the worst part of it, a bright future doesn’t feel obtainable. Being out of a job, not feeling like you’re worth it, losing someone close to you, and relying on someone else to always pick up the slack. I started there many times. I went through therapy, tried drowning it out with addiction, and then self destruction really hit me hard. I tried to fight my problems without first equipping myself. I didn’t take the extra steps that allow myself to be better. This isn’t some preachy, advice post either. It totally sucked where I was at. I didn’t actually feel better about my situation until I failed at the one thing I was trying to achieve. I failed nursing school and I had relied upon that goal for a decade. I was already thinking of which type of healthcare I wanted to work in too. It all vanished. I dumped all my books in the large dumpster outside the apartment building. This was two hours away from home. I had nothing going for me. Just a bunch of debt, clothes, and my car. I ended up having to start from scratch, so I found a job working in IT. I had to work hard and learn a lot. That got me to push myself. Now I’m working, have kids, loans are paid, and it isn’t perfect- it just isn’t what it was.

I also came from a very conservative home. My mother was super religious and when she was sexually assaulted by a pastor. She almost drove my sibling and I off the bridge. She even admitted it on Facebook two years ago. My own mother telling me that she saw me in the backseat playing my TMNT Tiger handheld and she wanted to take all our lives because of a pastor. It’s hard to think on the past sometimes. Mental conditions can be caused by environmental factors, so I do believe what you’re around plays into everything. Which is why starting something new is so hard. It’s also necessary to say goodbye to toxic people.

 

[teezzy]

I'm 29, will be 30 in like 3 months, and my 20s feel like another blur just like like my teen years

Simple rules I follow:

- dont buy so much dumb shit; there's nothing lamer than being "the broke guy/girl"; if you can't afford to buy it thrice... you can't afford it once
- dont eat processed crap
- read books
- exercise every day, even if it is just walking
- lift weights
- dont do drugs or drink
- take vitamins, especially D3 during this pandemic or during the winter when you're exposed to sun far less
- discomfort and discipline are your friend
- people are always going to dislike you; just dislike them back - what are they gonna do about it?
- avoid social media; except for GAF... GAF is home. GAF is life
- keep your wardrobe really simple, but buy nicer items that just kinda blend together - avoid graphics. just keep it simple and classic; chances are you'll always be the best dressed in the room as a result
- keep your living space clean
- drink your vegetables and eat more water

you can do all this. anyone can. it's easy crap. realize that your resistance to do this crap is your enemy, and just dont be a bitch - legiterally

 

[teezzy]

I'm not saying this lightly when I honestly wish I was never born.

Tonight was it. It was the final straw and tipping point.

What is it that's preventing you from getting a job? Even if it's something not-so-glamorous... like McDonald's or Wal-Mart, etc?

If money is the underlying issue, then figure that out first and foremost. Change is a very gradual thing and you have to want it badly enough. Do you want it badly enough?

 

[GardenOfAbbylon]

GardenOfAbbylon one thing I didn’t know in my 20’s is how much I could move beyond my 20’s. I think the same thing applies to being a teenager. During the worst part of it, a bright future doesn’t feel obtainable. Being out of a job, not feeling like you’re worth it, losing someone close to you, and relying on someone else to always pick up the slack. I started there many times. I went through therapy, tried drowning it out with addiction, and then self destruction really hit me hard. I tried to fight my problems without first equipping myself. I didn’t take the extra steps that allow myself to be better. This isn’t some preachy, advice post either. It totally sucked where I was at. I didn’t actually feel better about my situation until I failed at the one thing I was trying to achieve. I failed nursing school and I had relied upon that goal for a decade. I was already thinking of which type of healthcare I wanted to work in too. It all vanished. I dumped all my books in the large dumpster outside the apartment building. This was two hours away from home. I had nothing going for me. Just a bunch of debt, clothes, and my car. I ended up having to start from scratch, so I found a job working in IT. I had to work hard and learn a lot. That got me to push myself. Now I’m working, have kids, loans are paid, and it isn’t perfect- it just isn’t what it was.

I also came from a very conservative home. My mother was super religious and when she was sexually assaulted by a pastor. She almost drove my sibling and I off the bridge. She even admitted it on Facebook two years ago. My own mother telling me that she saw me in the backseat playing my TMNT Tiger handheld and she wanted to take all our lives because of a pastor. It’s hard to think on the past sometimes. Mental conditions can be caused by environmental factors, so I do believe what you’re around plays into everything. Which is why starting something new is so hard. It’s also necessary to say goodbye to toxic people.

I also had a TMNT Tiger Handheld. I bet it was even the same one. Tall vertically and green? I gave it to someone to borrow a few years ago and never got it back, sadly. It still worked. Things are looking up in that I applied for a job on Thursday, got the call yesterday, and finished my paperwork online this morning. As long as everything goes cherry (like background check, which i'm never worried about because I follow societies rules), I start orientation next Thursday. It's just a seasonal position but there's opportunity to stay on if my performance is good. And I never half-ass jobs. So, fingers crossed.

Conservative homes, I get and don't get. Like I understand that they try and instill morals and values for you to use as tools in life; but, it feels more and more these days that those rules and morals are based in prejudice. From my point of view, anyway. I don't have kids, and don't know if I ever will, but I know i'd raise them to see everyone is equal and regardless of sexual orientation or skin colour, we're all the same. But I guess that might also come from me being mixed race LGBT. That's unfortunate to hear about what happened to your mother. I can sympathize. I had my family come to therapy with me once, and mom revealed that someone in my family did things to her years ago. I've come to find out who and I refuse to have contact with them, even though they always have treated me well. But it's in agreement that if my grandfather was still alive (he passed 17 years ago), it would break his heart. And it would. But I want to break this family members face. And i'm not a violent person. And this person, is super holier-than-thou religious cult too.

I don't know what I came to accomplish with this post. I guess to just get it off my chest?

 

[DESTROYA]

Just came here to wish you all the best.
I have a bi-polar cousin so I’ve seen the highs and lows people can go through. If anyone needs to vent or just get something of their chest just put it in words here, you might not notice it but someone is always listening and reading.
Hell if you want to vent you can even PM me, I‘m not going to pretend I know all the answers because I know I don’t but can listen like a MOFO.

 

[Rossco EZ]

just discovered this thread and think i will give it a follow. maybe one day i’ll post about myself here or something.

I'm 29, will be 30 in like 3 months, and my 20s feel like another blur just like like my teen years

Simple rules I follow:

- dont buy so much dumb shit; there's nothing lamer than being "the broke guy/girl"; if you can't afford to buy it thrice... you can't afford it once
- dont eat processed crap
- read books
- exercise every day, even if it is just walking
- lift weights
- dont do drugs or drink
- take vitamins, especially D3 during this pandemic or during the winter when you're exposed to sun far less
- discomfort and discipline are your friend
- people are always going to dislike you; just dislike them back - what are they gonna do about it?
- avoid social media; except for GAF... GAF is home. GAF is life
- keep your wardrobe really simple, but buy nicer items that just kinda blend together - avoid graphics. just keep it simple and classic; chances are you'll always be the best dressed in the room as a result
- keep your living space clean
- drink your vegetables and eat more water

you can do all this. anyone can. it's easy crap. realize that your resistance to do this crap is your enemy, and just dont be a bitch - legiterally

think i will try to do a few of these, started to let myself go a bit this year and this post stood out for some reason. good points as well.

 

[teezzy]

Conservative homes, I get and don't get. Like I understand that they try and instill morals and values for you to use as tools in life; but, it feels more and more these days that those rules and morals are based in prejudice. From my point of view, anyway. I don't have kids, and don't know if I ever will, but I know i'd raise them to see everyone is equal and regardless of sexual orientation or skin colour, we're all the same.

Racism and homophobia aren't conservative values. The people who hold those beliefs are just called, 'assholes'.

As someone who was once as loony left as you could possibly get, i.e. "there is no self maaaaaan, we're all just water and stardust maaaaan, what even is property like how do you own something maaaaaan, humanity is just like one big organism maaaaan"; I assure you, the Republicans are the ones who have it figured out, as old and dusty as they may appear to be. Religious doctrine and guidelines have been passed down since the dawn of humanity because they work. Republicans believe everyone is capable of standing on their own two feet, and they want others to believe that about themselves as well. There's simple guidelines which everyone knows but nobody ever adheres to because they somehow think they're the rare exception. 999/1000 - they're not.

Liberals are good because they're all about the "progressive movement" and are always looking for new ways to look at things and keep society advancing. Take those two words and isolate them "progressive" and "movement" - neither imply that there's any stop. What's the ultimate end goal? Logan's Run?



There is none. That's why you need conservatives to hold up tradition and keep liberal heads in check. *bumps fist* The two parties clashing are what makes progress work while keeping it sane. That's what makes America so great. We need both kinds of people, but mostly Republicans

 

[GardenOfAbbylon]

As someone who was once as loony left as you could possibly get, i.e. "there is no self maaaaaan, we're all just water and stardust maaaaan, what even is property like how do you own something maaaaaan, humanity is just like one big organism maaaaan";

In my head, you sounded like Shaggy from Scooby Doo

 

[teezzy]

zoinks

 

[Tesseract]

 

[Northeastmonk]

I also had a TMNT Tiger Handheld. I bet it was even the same one. Tall vertically and green? I gave it to someone to borrow a few years ago and never got it back, sadly. It still worked. Things are looking up in that I applied for a job on Thursday, got the call yesterday, and finished my paperwork online this morning. As long as everything goes cherry (like background check, which i'm never worried about because I follow societies rules), I start orientation next Thursday. It's just a seasonal position but there's opportunity to stay on if my performance is good. And I never half-ass jobs. So, fingers crossed.

Conservative homes, I get and don't get. Like I understand that they try and instill morals and values for you to use as tools in life; but, it feels more and more these days that those rules and morals are based in prejudice. From my point of view, anyway. I don't have kids, and don't know if I ever will, but I know i'd raise them to see everyone is equal and regardless of sexual orientation or skin colour, we're all the same. But I guess that might also come from me being mixed race LGBT. That's unfortunate to hear about what happened to your mother. I can sympathize. I had my family come to therapy with me once, and mom revealed that someone in my family did things to her years ago. I've come to find out who and I refuse to have contact with them, even though they always have treated me well. But it's in agreement that if my grandfather was still alive (he passed 17 years ago), it would break his heart. And it would. But I want to break this family members face. And i'm not a violent person. And this person, is super holier-than-thou religious cult too.

I don't know what I came to accomplish with this post. I guess to just get it off my chest?

That’s the handheld. I had a couple of them. They were a supplement handheld next to the GameBoy/Game Gear. I grew up knowing my mother from a completely different perspective. She never seemed very book smart. In fact, she didn’t believe segregation was real. My wife seems to think she treats me like I’m some sorta spouse to her. She didn’t even come to my wedding. In fact, none of my family did and they all live 20 minutes away. They’ve also never met my son. We don’t talk except a couple texts here and there. I was raised in a conservative home, but my mother married someone who is the complete opposite of a conservative after my dad. She wound up in a woman’s shelter after being thrown down a flight of stairs and was put in a closet. She never fought for herself. She saw she was helpless and she didn’t stand on her own two feet. When I came to her for a discussion or just to vent, she quickly told me that I needed God. I needed to get myself into a church. I told her that I’ve been to multiple churches and I have met people there who are far worse than anyone else you would ever think of meeting. I quickly stopped asking her to talk about life. My wife and her don’t like each other either. Good to hear about the job! I hope that goes well.

My son qualified for a human genome project. It consist of mapping his entire genome as well as everyone who is close to him. The neurologist said they didn’t see anything terrible wrong with him. He is just an 18 month old with low muscle tone. He has leg and arm strength. He doesn’t have his core strength in his belly. PT and OT have been working out real well for him. He’s been able to grab food. He crawls everywhere and he can sit and play for longer periods of time (assisted of course). It’s been hard and very emotional at times. This study is paid for, which is awesome. Eight grand is what it costs for this type of thing outside of being a project or trial. All the data, even if we don’t need it, will go to be in a large database for future reference. The neurologist took an X-ray and said he didn’t have a dislocated hip, so that’s good.

 

[Kev Kev]

does anyone else get anxiety so bad that they feel it in their stomach and all the way down to their knees? sometimes even into my shins and toes...

i was getting this pretty bad when my anxiety was its worst. its hard to describe, but its that uncomfortable butterfly feeling, except it goes down through my pelvis and into my thighs, feeling it all the way to my knees. not even sure what im anxious about, except that im just extremely busy atm. it makes me get the freaking out inside feeling, and it makes me want to shake my legs or tap my foot, seems like the only thing that helps at times...

just wondering if anyone else felt that, and if there was a name for that so i could look into what to do when i get those little attacks.

 

[Tesseract]

sensory bombardment is good for the soul

 

[RoyalLaFlame]

I just need to vent and let a few things out of what's going on my mind right now, I hope it's ok with you guys. It might sound like some old man rambling.

Sometimes is good to just stop for a moment and let yourself know everything is fine, everything is ok. With the mess that is our daily lives, I find myself not having time for me, for self-reflection, to enjoy the moment and where I am right now.

I always wanted to come to China, and before coming I suffered from anxiety big time. I wanted something, I needed change, but I couldn't get it at the time. But now, I'm here. I'm exactly where I wanted to be. I found a job, I have an amazing girlfriend, I couldn't be happier.

But yesterday I overreacted. Made my girlfriend mad and hurt her with some words that were supposed to be just a joke. I didn't measure what I said and it hurt the person I love the most. Lately I've been feeling irritated, tired, anxious, and it got the best of me.

Now, I'm sitting on my office chair. I'm thinking of what happened, the journey I had until here, and now I feel less irritated, less tired and definitely less anxious. I can breathe, I will make a cup of coffee, smell the aroma and just enjoy it. But my girlfriend is still hurt, I'm still the person that hurt her. I should have done this before - just stop, and know what I'm feeling is real, not to suppress it.

Don't delay these feelings. Just acknowledge them, and everything will be better. Everything is fine, everything is ok.

 

[GardenOfAbbylon]

I've been off the forums for a week but i'm still here and reading peoples posts and troubles. I will get more indepth with a reply later but just wanted to say quick that you're being heard. And we care. <3

 

[The Fartist]

So, what's this thread really for?

I ask because I have some pretty heavy shit to talk about and I don't know where else to go.

I see a therapist biweekly and I'm starting to get some insights here and there but haven't delved too deeply into what happened to me and why I'm there (therapy).

Am I in the right place?

I just don't care what people think of me anymore and need to get this shit out in public in exchange for a little advice or encouragement, or both.

 

[Tesseract]

So, what's this thread really for?

I ask because I have some pretty heavy shit to talk about and I don't know where else to go.

I see a therapist biweekly and I'm starting to get some insights here and there but haven't delved too deeply into what happened to me and why I'm there (therapy).

Am I in the right place?

I just don't care what people think of me anymore and need to get this shit out in public in exchange for a little advice or encouragement, or both.

unload thy psyche, m8

 

[The Fartist]

unload thy psyche, m8

You're awesome.

 

[Tesseract]

You're awesome.

no, u

Spoiler: ~

 

[God Enel]

You both are

 

[The Fartist]

So, I'm gonna make this as brief as possible.

I was molested off and on by my older cousin (7 years older than me) from the age of 7 to 16. This cousin was my hero growing up, he was my big brother, a father figure, since my dad, although a pretty good dude, has been an alcoholic my whole life, he didn't really, fully show up for me the way he should've. So I gravitated towards my oldest cousin.

My cousin would say it was consensual, since I never really said no, but really I just admired him so much and wanted to be like him so bad that I thought it was part of being cool and in my young mind, I didn't want to let him down. So this shit happened for years until it kinda stopped for a few years. Then one night he gave me my first alcoholic beverage, which tuned into six and I blacked out. That night was the last time he did anything to me and only remember it through brief flashbacks.

I was always too scared and beyond embarrassed to tell anyone, with the exception being my best friend at the time. SO, just over a year ago, I came clean to my parents which was really fucking difficult. Anyway, I don't think my entire family fully believes me, since I waited so long to open up. I'm now 36, I have a 6 year old daughter and it's really messing me up and to top it off this mother fucking sociopathic, incestuous, pedophile not only denies it but says I'm just "jealous of his success". There are plenty of other people, cousins in my family with real success for me to envy. But in his twisted/scared mind, I chose him.

I know I'm not the only one he's hurt. There's more stuff I need to get off but that's the gist of it.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Outlier]

I recently found out that I have 100% inferiority complex, since I was around 9, as a result of my experiences with other people.

I had these thoughts of never being good enough or no more than above average, so I'm fulfilling my own prophecy and never push myself further, in anything I do.

I stopped drawing, learning math, turned down multiple promotion offers, friendly invitations, don't pursue or accept sex anymore, and even sabotage my chances to build friendships. All because I fear being seen as lesser, incapable, incompetent, and undesirable. Funny enough, because I rejected so many opportunities I mostly give others the impression that I really am all those things, even though I've proven I can do better.

I suppose that's why they call it "damaged goods". Sure it can still do all those cool things, but there's a big chance that something will go wrong.


I still fear people, but I don't fear myself, so I've gained these ever so wonderful traits:

Calm, Arbitrary, Cynical, Callous, and other minor traits... Yes I've been playing Crusader Kings 3 lately.


But all is not so woeful. In recent years I have made some major/minor improvements, but I mostly just do it in solitude. Life is generally better now, than it was 5+ years ago.

 

[Kev Kev]

I recently found out that I have 100% inferiority complex, since I was around 9, as a result of my experiences with other people.

I had these thoughts of never being good enough or no more than above average, so I'm fulfilling my own prophecy and never push myself further, in anything I do.

I stopped drawing, learning math, turned down multiple promotion offers, friendly invitations, don't pursue or accept sex anymore, and even sabotage my chances to build friendships. All because I fear being seen as lesser, incapable, incompetent, and undesirable. Funny enough, because I rejected so many opportunities I mostly give others the impression that I really am all those things, even though I've proven I can do better.

I suppose that's why they call it "damaged goods". Sure it can still do all those cool things, but there's a big chance that something will go wrong.


I still fear people, but I don't fear myself, so I've gained these ever so wonderful traits:

Calm, Arbitrary, Cynical, Callous, and other minor traits... Yes I've been playing Crusader Kings 3 lately.


But all is not so woeful. In recent years I have made some major/minor improvements, but I mostly just do it in solitude. Life is generally better now, than it was 5+ years ago.

I think a lot of us are like this. I’m somewhat of a self destructionist. I feel I’m not worthy or that I’m just going to fail in the end anyway for whatever reason, so I sabotage myself, as a way to have some kind of control... at least I think that’s why I do it. I have to just keep telling myself I am worthy of happiness and success and keep following the light. Good luck to you buddy