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Muslim Community |OT|

V

victreeb3l

Member
Kisaya said:
No, but my plan is to just expose them of Islam and have them decide when they're older.
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SomewhatGroovy said:
My mom is American and dad is Palestinian. I was raised in an islamic society. Mom and dad never once spoke to me about God.t he subject only came up during class. I, myself, knew at an early age I was atheist and stayed in the closet.

Went back to the states for university. I wound up in a private Catholic school (awesome theatre program). Met my now wife there. She was raised Catholic. We now have two girls.

Our arrangement was to educate then to the best we can about what is out there. Girls know I am an atheist abd mom is a theist. Ultimately it is up to them what they want to believe .
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Thats pretty reasonable.

There are a few Muslim + Hindu marriages in my family and the children were exposed to traditions of both religions. The kids are still young so I'm interested to see what they decide when they grow up.

Milksheikhs said:
I'm a convert and my husband isn't Muslim, but he agrees that we will raise them with a Muslim background and that I will practice with them and bring them to the mosque. But ultimately they will decide if they want to continue to practice.
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Thats awesome! He sounds really supportive. How did you start this conversation? Was it easy to talk about this with him?
 
K

Kisaya

Member
effingvic said:
Thats pretty reasonable.

There are a few Muslim + Hindu marriages in my family and the children were exposed to traditions of both religions. The kids are still young so I'm interested to see what they decide when they grow up.
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It wouldn't bother me if my children ended up being atheists/non-muslims. I think what would be most important (to me) was that they still practiced the traditions. For example, acknowledging and being festive during Ramandan/Eid. I definitely want them to know where they came from and hopefully pass it down to their children.
 
V

victreeb3l

Member
Kisaya said:
It wouldn't bother me if my children ended up being atheists/non-muslims. I think what would be most important (to me) was that they still practiced the traditions. For example, acknowledging and being festive during Ramandan/Eid. I definitely want them to know where they came from and hopefully pass it down to their children.
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Ah definitely. Eid / Ramadan especially is such an important time for families to get together, I would be sad if my future kids were absent willingly during these times.
 
S

Sch1sm

Member
The Artisan said:
so, does anyone feel different post-ramadan this year?
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A bit jaded, if I'm being honest. I made no goals toward the end. Year before was to be more consistent with prayers, and I managed. Could in part be my whole vacation, the mindset of being on one inherently lazy and all.

In short, I feel lazy.
 
T

The Artisan

Member
Sch1sm said:
A bit jaded, if I'm being honest. I made no goals toward the end. Year before was to be more consistent with prayers, and I managed. Could in part be my whole vacation, the mindset of being on one inherently lazy and all.

In short, I feel lazy.
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did you do all 30 days? maybe it's the fatigue.
 
S

Sch1sm

Member
The Artisan said:
did you do all 30 days? maybe it's the fatigue.
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I missed out on 12 days. Sickness and the sort from my vacation &
feminine reasons tbh
. That's probably it, really. I missed out on so much of it, it felt like it never even happened.

E: what about yourself? How's post-Ramadan for you?
 
T

The Artisan

Member
Sch1sm said:
I missed out on 12 days. Sickness and the sort from my vacation &
feminine reasons tbh
. That's probably it, really. I missed out on so much of it, it felt like it never even happened.

E: what about yourself? How's post-Ramadan for you?
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oh, i didn't know you were a girl.

i was fucked up before, and i'm still fucked up after. ramadan was just a momentary period of sobriety i guess. and i don't just mean the drugs.
 
S

Sch1sm

Member
The Artisan said:
oh, i didn't know you were a girl.

i was fucked up before, and i'm still fucked up after. ramadan was just a momentary period of sobriety i guess. and i don't just mean the drugs.
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Avatars can be deceiving. 😉

I always wondered what the purpose of stopping during Ramadan, knowing that it shouldn't be done, only to begin again after it. It seems rather useless. If you can stop for the month, can't you stop permanently? No judgement, of course. I don't know your situation at all, so.

If you don't mind me asking, do you consider yourself genuinely religious, or just culturally religious? As in, are you just in a position where you've grown up with it that fasting and such are a habit/a tradition you can't easily let up?

MisterLuffy said:
You can make up your missed days of your fast.

http://sunnah.com/urn/406810
https://islamqa.info/en/112102
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I know that much, but it's different making them up after the fact in comparison to cleanly going through the entire month. At least spirit wise, if that makes sense.
 
Z

Zapages

Member
Hey everyone,

I just wanted to get share something personal... I went to family event over my best friend's place on Eid ul Fitr. It was nice and all. I was introduced to someone new at the event for a rishta/proposal. The girl was nice and we had bunch of things in common due to being in the same field of work from talking to her for about 10 - 20 minutes or so. I know just a bit here and there about her personality and nothing more.

Aside from that and the problem is that her parents are interested in continuing the discussion via our parents. The problem is that I am still thinking about it. I used to be a bit over weight and since last year I have lost a good 10 pounds prior to Ramadan. I hoping to lose about 10 to 15 pounds more through the year and have something like to a more fit person. Also I know how hard it is lose weight.

Unfortunately, she was a quiet a bit on the over weight side and seems to be about a good 40 to 50 pounds over weight. Also I am not too sure about her age either as she confused me as we were talking. My parents would like someone who is younger (minimum of 4 years) than I am.

Is it terrible to reject a proposal due to looks or should I give it a chance? I honestly feel terrible about being this shallow. I am not a shallow person and I am really attracted to folks who have a good personality. If my parents and I do reject the rishta, it wouldn't be for looks and we will make some other excuse (i.e. age) as I don't want the other person know about that because its just terrible.

I know it sucks to be rejected because I have been rejected so many times due to looks that I have lost count (ie. the picture exchange from plethora from rishta aunties - they even have email address for this, not kidding on this part).

Actually some of them are so funny and weird that I even thought of making of youtube channel dedicated to them. For example, I was once told that the girl would only marry a guy if he could become the first Muslim president of the USA (not kidding on that excuse).
 
G

GetDigitized

Member
Well it depends who you ask, I'm on the side where looks matter, you're going to wake up to the same face for the rest of your life, if you don't like what you see that's going to be bad for your relationship and cause a ton of personal problems as well.
Dunno how it is in other parts of the world, but they send pictures first(obviously the ultra-religous don't allow that) from what I've seen. Just make sure to draw the line of them not being ugly and you thinking you're above them & similar thoughts since they are obviously not of someone of good character.
 
C

crazy monkey

holds a masters in liberal arts
Zapages said:
Hey everyone,

I just wanted to get share something personal... I went to family event over my best friend's place on Eid ul Fitr. It was nice and all. I was introduced to someone new at the event for a rishta/proposal. The girl was nice and we had bunch of things in common due to being in the same field of work from talking to her for about 10 - 20 minutes or so. I know just a bit here and there about her personality and nothing more.

Aside from that and the problem is that her parents are interested in continuing the discussion via our parents. The problem is that I am still thinking about it. I used to be a bit over weight and since last year I have lost a good 10 pounds prior to Ramadan. I hoping to lose about 10 to 15 pounds more through the year and have something like to a more fit person. Also I know how hard it is lose weight.

Unfortunately, she was a quiet a bit on the over weight side and seems to be about a good 40 to 50 pounds over weight. Also I am not too sure about her age either as she confused me as we were talking. My parents would like someone who is younger (minimum of 4 years) than I am.

Is it terrible to reject a proposal due to looks or should I give it a chance? I honestly feel terrible about being this shallow. I am not a shallow person and I am really attracted to folks who have a good personality. If my parents and I do reject the rishta, it wouldn't be for looks and we will make some other excuse (i.e. age) as I don't want the other person know about that because its just terrible.

I know it sucks to be rejected because I have been rejected so many times due to looks that I have lost count (ie. the picture exchange from plethora from rishta aunties - they even have email address for this, not kidding on this part).

Actually some of them are so funny and weird that I even thought of making of youtube channel dedicated to them. For example, I was once told that the girl would only marry a guy if he could become the first Muslim president of the USA (not kidding on that excuse).
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you do not marry just for looks alone. you marry because you two like each other. Have great chemistry . Good plans. Know each others weakness as well strengths. you two should genuinely feel like you will stay together forever.

Do not hurry in to marriage. Just say NO. State the correct reason. State that this might not work out good. You do not want to ruin life of you and other person just because you were shy.

Tell your parents openly that do not put in to pressure situation. State what you want in your partner for future clearly rather than going through dictionary of girls.
 
Z

Zapages

Member
crazy monkey said:
you do not marry just for looks alone. you marry because you two like each other. Have great chemistry . Good plans. Know each others weakness as well strengths. you two should genuinely feel like you will stay together forever.

Do not hurry in to marriage. Just say NO. State the correct reason. State that this might not work out good. You do not want to ruin life of you and other person just because you were shy.

Tell your parents openly that do not put in to pressure situation. State what you want in your partner for future clearly rather than going through dictionary of girls.
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I know this, but that takes time to get to know each other. Personally I go for a good personality more than looks, but I would like someone who would look nice next to me and I feel some sort of attraction to a certain degree. I am trying to get fit and be health conscious at the same time.

Anyway, the whole arranged marriage process is very superficial and extremely weird from my experience so far. :( Its dang hard for both genders, we are told to not communicate with other gender and lower your gaze end everything. Then when you hit your late 20s or early 30s and its like why aren't you married yet? I mean for guys, some girls expectations are way way crazy. Its like, but you told us to not to communicate in terms of dating or doing anything that goes against Islam all our lives and now. :(

*second bold part*
There is no need to be condescending about this.... My parents know what to look for... Also this was first girl who was from my field of work. The same could be said to the girls who keep on rejecting guys. Jeez.

Also its not about being shy, its about being rude. My parents and I don't want to come out sounding rude nor demeaning to her nor her family.They are nice folks...

I hope these posts from the Dating thread helps clarify my position as this was not planned at all.

JackDT said:
The cultural stuff here makes this a weird fit for this thread.

When you say 'reject a proposal' are you talking about marriage or a date? It seems like you are saying you are locked in once you start, if you even date one time?

If you can't back out once you go on a date then by all means back out now I guess. But if this were a totally secular situation I would instead say why not go on one date and see how things feel.
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Zapages said:
Its more or less its like you meet/talk each other with the intention to get married. Basically it more like the former than the later... Its definitely not like you go on dates and see how it goes. If you know there could be reason that it might not work then usually it is in the beginning to get out as you don't want (personally) for myself to lead someone on nor waste the other person's time.

Sorry making it pseudo-religious here. It was not my intention.
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Llyranor said:
Would it be easier to come up with an excuse for rejecting the proposal before or after you meet her formally? Which is less frowned upon?

Attraction is attraction. If you're not attracted, you're not attracted. That doesn't make you shallow.
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Zapages said:
It was spur of the moment time type of thing. I was not expected to meet someone at the family event. It was like my Father, you know that daughter of this uncle who was new to the event does the same type of work as you do. I was like that is cool, but I did not see her at that time. Then my Mother was like you know the daughter of this aunty does same type of work as you do. Then my Mother got me from where the guys were sitting and took me to meet her Mother and her. That is where I talked to her. My Mother did not know about how she looked prior to that from what I know. The uncle really liked me and girl was cool in terms of personality and was the most normal person that I have met so far.

Usually, what happens from what I have experienced is that the guy shares his photos with his CV/Resume, Date of birth, and any extra information that is requested from the girl's family.

Most of the time, girls family if she is interested will then share their pictures with the same information..

If not, then the girl or the girl's family will outright reject the guy or will not reply back.
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Llyranor said:
If they can do that, so can you. Do you *need* to give a 'reason', or just say not interested?
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Zapages said:
My best friend sister's mother in law introduced my Mother to her Mother. Hence, my parents and I need to give them a reply. Also I have become good friends with my best friends' brother-in-law. So its proper etiquettes in my opinion to say something back and not to lead folks along.

Lastly my parent's want someone who is about 4 years younger than I am and I believe she is only a couple years younger or might be older. I am not too sure. :\
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R

RustyNails

Member
Night_Knight said:
I know you made this post a while ago but I'd like to thank you for the recommendation. I've been meaning to read a good book on the Seerah. I've tried watching Yasir Qadhi's videos on youtube but I wasn't feeling it. Nothing against the guy.
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I think he belabors a point a bit too much for my taste but I really appreciate the history and knowledge he has.
 
R

RustyNails

Member
Zapages said:
Hey everyone,

I just wanted to get share something personal... I went to family event over my best friend's place on Eid ul Fitr. It was nice and all. I was introduced to someone new at the event for a rishta/proposal. The girl was nice and we had bunch of things in common due to being in the same field of work from talking to her for about 10 - 20 minutes or so. I know just a bit here and there about her personality and nothing more.

Aside from that and the problem is that her parents are interested in continuing the discussion via our parents. The problem is that I am still thinking about it. I used to be a bit over weight and since last year I have lost a good 10 pounds prior to Ramadan. I hoping to lose about 10 to 15 pounds more through the year and have something like to a more fit person. Also I know how hard it is lose weight.

Unfortunately, she was a quiet a bit on the over weight side and seems to be about a good 40 to 50 pounds over weight. Also I am not too sure about her age either as she confused me as we were talking. My parents would like someone who is younger (minimum of 4 years) than I am.

Is it terrible to reject a proposal due to looks or should I give it a chance? I honestly feel terrible about being this shallow. I am not a shallow person and I am really attracted to folks who have a good personality. If my parents and I do reject the rishta, it wouldn't be for looks and we will make some other excuse (i.e. age) as I don't want the other person know about that because its just terrible.
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Don't feel that it's shallow. Think if you met this girl is a cafe or on the street would you still want to get to know her more, so don't be pressured into marriage. If the looks are not appealing you, then I would suggest to kindly reject the proposal but yea don't tell them it's the looks. Don't think you're being shallow. Some folks like meat on their bones, some don't. As for yourself, it's up to you. If you're serious about your physical appearance, you will hit the gym!
 
Z

Zapages

Member
RustyNails said:
Don't feel that it's shallow. Think if you met this girl is a cafe or on the street would you still want to get to know her more, so don't be pressured into marriage. If the looks are not appealing you, then I would suggest to kindly reject the proposal but yea don't tell them it's the looks. Don't think you're being shallow. Some folks like meat on their bones, some don't. As for yourself, it's up to you. If you're serious about your physical appearance, you will hit the gym!
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Thank you RustyNails. :) I've been walking and exercising a bit more everyday. I try to run about a mile a couple of times a week. I plan on joining a local gym soon. Although I do go to my university's gym right now. :)

I am about 180 pounds right now. I hope to get myself down to like 170 or 165, which will be ideal based on my height and body structure.

Plus I feel healthier. confident, and better about myself as compared to when I was a bit heavier around 190.
 
M

m_shortpants

Member
Don't feel bad rejecting IMO. Physicality is a huge part of a relationship, despite what the aunties always want us to think lol.

Funny thing I was playing PoP Revelations on Vita this past weekend and I was thinking of the old Prince of Persia Ubisoft forums. I used to frequent there and your website quite often! Took me back to circa 2004 on those forums when we were all waiting for PoP Warrior Within. Hysteric_Freak, Sultans_Apple, Yolkboy, Dom...do you remember those names? Haha. I was alinktothe_past on those boards. Crazy to think it's been 12 years since...
 
Z

Zapages

Member
m_shortpants said:
Don't feel bad rejecting IMO. Physicality is a huge part of a relationship, despite what the aunties always want us to think lol.

Funny thing I was playing PoP Revelations on Vita this past weekend and I was thinking of the old Prince of Persia Ubisoft forums. I used to frequent there and your website quite often! Took me back to circa 2004 on those forums when we were all waiting for PoP Warrior Within. Hysteric_Freak, Sultans_Apple, Yolkboy, Dom...do you remember those names? Haha. I was alinktothe_past on those boards. Crazy to think it's been 12 years since...
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Thank you... :)

Wow it has ben 12 years... O_O I was 18 back then and was starting under-grad at my university. Now I am hopefully graduating with my PhD soon.,. Inshallah. Time sure has flown by.

I do remember all of them and you as well... Those were some great times on the boards. Also it was fun moderating the folks back then and it wasn't like how it is now.

I wonder if I ever should do an AMA on reddit to discuss my site and how things work in the gaming industry during early 2000s to my site's demise back in 2009. Also how the gaming culture changed at Ubisoft through the decade...
 
T

The Artisan

Member
Sch1sm said:
Avatars can be deceiving. 😉
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People used to say I have the record for the most avatar quotes.
I always wondered what the purpose of stopping during Ramadan, knowing that it shouldn't be done, only to begin again after it. It seems rather useless. If you can stop for the month, can't you stop permanently? No judgement, of course. I don't know your situation at all, so.
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I suppose I could stop, but I don't want to. I enjoy it, and God knows this. Eventually I probably will give it up but I don't wanna do that right now. I stopped during Ramadan because I know it's something I'm supposed to sacrifice, just like cursing although I did a horrible job with that.

If you don't mind me asking, do you consider yourself genuinely religious, or just culturally religious? As in, are you just in a position where you've grown up with it that fasting and such are a habit/a tradition you can't easily let up?
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Probably the latter. I wouldn't feel good about myself if I wasn't fasting. I don't like it, I might even hate it, but God commanded us to do it, so I do it. I don't agree with all things about the Muslim doctrine either so I have trouble identifying as Muslim sometimes.
 
V

victreeb3l

Member
The Artisan said:
so, does anyone feel different post-ramadan this year?
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I sadly went back to some bad habits immediately after but I managed to retain a lot of the mentality I had during Ramadan.

Mostly, work ethic. Ramadan gets me super hyped up to be better and I've been on a productivity tear since.
 
T

The Artisan

Member
effingvic said:
I sadly went back to some bad habits immediately after but I managed to retain a lot of the mentality I had during Ramadan.

Mostly, work ethic. Ramadan gets me super hyped up to be better and I've been on a productivity tear since.
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i was cursing at work so much after ramadan that i got like, scolded/yelled at, and complained about for it. i've also been smoking 2-3 days a week, maybe even more.

ramadan really seemed like a heavy duty chore to me, and an awareness-raiser for non-muslims that like me. nothing more.
 
M

m_shortpants

Member
Zapages said:
Thank you... :)

Wow it has ben 12 years... O_O I was 18 back then and was starting under-grad at my university. Now I am hopefully graduating with my PhD soon.,. Inshallah. Time sure has flown by.

I do remember all of them and you as well... Those were some great times on the boards. Also it was fun moderating the folks back then and it wasn't like how it is now.

I wonder if I ever should do an AMA on reddit to discuss my site and how things work in the gaming industry during early 2000s to my site's demise back in 2009. Also how the gaming culture changed at Ubisoft through the decade...
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For some reason I vividly remember the pictures from when Ubisoft invited you to their office! Indeed, the company has changed quite significantly.
 
Z

Zapages

Member
m_shortpants said:
For some reason I vividly remember the pictures from when Ubisoft invited you to their office! Indeed, the company has changed quite significantly.
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Your post made me go search for my old Prince of Persia stuff for the past few weeks. I did find my pictures with Ben Mattes, the producer of Prince of Persia The Two Thrones and 2008 Reboot from my trip to Ubi Montroal.

I ended up going to E3 2005, Ubi Montreal, and Semper Fi Ubi (NYC event). That whole summer was amazing as I went to Pakistan, Dubai, and Montreal in one whole summer. Unfortunately, I can't seem to find my pictures from the Semper Fi Ubi and they are not on webarchieve neither. :(

Anyway anyone here interested in going DC to visit Holy Quran Exhibition from October 15 to February?

http://bigstory.ap.org/article/ada2...mithsonian-host-1st-major-us-quran-exhibition
 
Z

Zapages

Member
RustyNails said:
Speaking of marriage, mine is falling apart (and I have a 2nd kid on the way). It's been really hard few weeks.
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Dude what I learned from my parents is that:

1) Talk/Communicate and then Talk/Communicate even some more. You should talk about the smallest thing and be on the same page all the time. Also never make commitments without discussing with your significant other.
2) Never lose your temper no matter what! Its not going to solve anything and it will make things worse.
3) If things are bad just take a few moments out and contemplate and talk in a calm manner. Give each other time to talk without interrupting each other.
4) Forgive each other for the past and no matter what happened. Basically learn to move on.
5) Most importantly be there for each other no matter how things get difficult and learn from examples of Prophet Muhammad PBUH.

All the best through your difficult times.
 
R

RustyNails

Member
Zapages said:
Dude what I learned from my parents is that:

1) Talk/Communicate and then Talk/Communicate even some more. You should talk about the smallest thing and be on the same page all the time. Also never make commitments without discussing with your significant other.
2) Never lose your temper no matter what! Its not going to solve anything and it will make things worse.
3) If things are bad just take a few moments out and contemplate and talk in a calm manner. Give each other time to talk without interrupting each other.
4) Forgive each other for the past and no matter what happened. Basically learn to move on.
5) Most importantly be there for each other no matter how things get difficult and learn from examples of Prophet Muhammad PBUH.

All the best through your difficult times.
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Thank you. For what it's worth, much worse things happened than #2 and honestly it's a crappy situation especially since my mom is also involved. Like everyone including mediators from wife's side agreed that I'm blameless. Not giving myself clean chit here, but it's factual and true. But man, life is impossible some times.
 
Z

Zapages

Member
RustyNails said:
Thank you. For what it's worth, much worse things happened than #2 and honestly it's a crappy situation especially since my mom is also involved. Like everyone including mediators from wife's side agreed that I'm blameless. Not giving myself clean chit here, but it's factual and true. But man, life is impossible some times.
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I am really sorry to hear this. Please try to resolve the issue without effecting too much of your child and future children. Also try to go back to your relationship on how it was pre-fight with your wife even if you are not at fault. Try to forgive her and make the issue less extreme. Was it possible to resolve the issue without the parents or mediators to get involved?

Personally, I hope my wife is able to live with my parents as am I the only child, but I will ask my wife if there any issues to solve then it is our responsibility as adults to solve our problems ourselves and to never involve our parents unless its something that too important to not involve them (ie. cheating, unislamic things, or something of that nature).

This is what I learned from my parents, is that they never involve their parents / my grandparents in any of the issues. Its always better to solve things together than getting third party involved as they might make the matters worse than better.

Also one thing you learn is although you and your wife may fight, but you know each other and there certain level respect for each other. In the case of the parents or a third party it effects their view of you and your wife, which is not good at all for tasks outside the problem.

*Thank you Sid and Dina show on youtube for some of their suggestions*. Great show where they answer questions for Muslims couples with a funny touch sometimes...
 
M

m_shortpants

Member
RustyNails said:
Speaking of marriage, mine is falling apart (and I have a 2nd kid on the way). It's been really hard few weeks.
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Will make dua for you bro. Hope everything turns out all right.

The girl I want to marry is a convert. I told her father who is not Muslim that I wanted to "take the next step" with his daughter and that I wanted his permission. My intention was to tell him that I wanted to marry her. I thought it was clear and he said it was fine and that I had his blessing. Now he is saying to her that I didn't actually say I wanted to marry her and that I probably don't want to.

I don't know why some people like sowing discontent.
 
Z

Zapages

Member
m_shortpants said:
Will make dua for you bro. Hope everything turns out all right.

The girl I want to marry is a convert. I told her father who is not Muslim that I wanted to "take the next step" with his daughter and that I wanted his permission. My intention was to tell him that I wanted to marry her. I thought it was clear and he said it was fine and that I had his blessing. Now he is saying to her that I didn't actually say I wanted to marry her and that I probably don't want to.

I don't know why some people like sowing discontent.
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That really sucks!!! Maybe asking your local imam to ask the local sister group (Haliqa) ask the girl and make your intentions clear through them. Also ask your parents to bring the proposal through them as well to make your intentions clear.

SomewhatGroovy said:
On topic of qualifying a spouse on looks:

Understand this is all relative on several different fronts. Firstly, what you think you're getting today may not be what you have tomorrow. People change.physically and mentally.

Second of all, you can be married to the most" beautiful" woman , and you find out she is not a person with your same values or ambition. Maybe they're not even nice. You get to know her and realize you are stuck with the same personality problems for years to come; someone who doesn't even grow spiritually.

The thing about marriage is the two people that meet today will change many times over to new people as time goes on. So in the end, it's all relative. The key to relationships is friendship and communication. Pure and simple. Because when you look to one another as friends, you re more susceptible to grow and accept each other as you make mistakes and change.

So yeah, some of the responses here were shallow not to mention one sided. God forbid any of you marry a beautiful woman who decides your not the physical specimen she agreed to marry back in the day, hairy back and all.
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I do and respect and acknowledge all this.

I will not go too much in detail. I have been rejected countless times... I respect their decision as every family have their own prerogatives. Aside from that I been close to meet a switch-a-roo situation, which is very scary.

Actually all the crazy stuff that has happened to me through this whole rishta process has made me think about making a youtube channel about it.

I have to ask you one small question, why is it fine for a girl to reject or never reply back to a proposal based on their looks or anything else about the guy (found out through third party). Whereas I in this case, I was not even planning to meet someone there. My parents and I had decency to let the mediator know about the situation without hurting the other person's feelings and anything of that nature.

I have noticed that the guy is always demonized as wrong and nothing bad about the girl is, which is very strange and a bit hypocritical about the society that we live in.
 
S

SystemBug

Member
lol what are you talking about? guys are barely demonized.

girls can turn you down because they don't find you attractive and the same goes vice-versa
 
Z

Zapages

Member
SystemBug said:
lol what are you talking about? guys are barely demonized.

girls can turn you down because they don't find you attractive and the same goes vice-versa
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My guess is our network of Pakistani/Indian folks are just bad folks. :\ :|

One scenario that comes to mind is when our mutual family friend was mentioning that they know a mutual friend whose girl might be good for me. My Mother was like nice and that we should all meet and introduce the children and see if there is a connection.

So instead of letting us know about the family, our mutual family friend invited both of our families and another mutual family friend over their own place for dinner. So there are three families there. Our mutual family friend did not mention that the prospective family will be there as well with the girl. I don't know about you guys, but at their place the men and the women sat separately from each other.

The Father of the girl was a huge supporter of the Wahabi and to certain aspect Salafi practices that were occurring in Saudi Arabia. :| I personally was weirded out by this and so was my Father. I shrugged this off as we all have different opinions and I respect that.

Anyway as we were leaving their home. I was talking to my friend and did not look towards where the women were standing as we were about to leave. Apparently, the girl was looking towards me and I did not even notice her.

In the return car drive back, my Mother asked me did you see the girl who was standing there and did you like her? I was like who? I was oblivious to her as we are told to lower our gaze... I said maybe in the future we could meet them for an actual and proper meeting for any rishta talk.

Later during the week, our mutual family friend's Mother contacts my Mother about the girl and the family. My Mother tells her that my son did not even look at her or know who she was. Also you should have told us. Our family friend tells that the girl's family wanted to not let the guys family to know that they were being checked out. They wanted to judge the family and guy before the guy's family approached us for a proper rishta. Please anyone her shed some light on this? Does this happen to anyone here? My Mother was extremely weirded out by this and declined to continue the discussion.

Later in the year, we went to one of our family friend's daughter wedding. At the wedding, we were seated among the friends area (men and women were seated separately) and it was hard to see what was happening in the center of stage area from where the guys were seated. My Father was standing up to see what was happening at the center of the stage as the bride and groom were coming down. The potential rishta family was there too. The Mother of the girl was sitting with my Mother and the Mother of girl said that my Father was checking girls for me, which is blatant lie. Also she said a few nasty things about my family having a hard time finding a rishta because we still don't own a home. :( We are currently saving up and it depends where I get a job as well to buy a home.

There are few more situations I could share as well. :( :|

So the guy's family and the guy do get demonize. :(
 
S

SystemBug

Member
Zapages said:
My guess is our network of Pakistani/Indian folks are just bad folks. :\ :|

One scenario that comes to mind is when our mutual family friend was mentioning that they know a mutual friend whose girl might be good for me. My Mother was like nice and that we should all meet and introduce the children and see if there is a connection.

So instead of letting us know about the family, our mutual family friend invited both of our families and another mutual family friend over their own place for dinner. So there are three families there. Our mutual family friend did not mention that the prospective family will be there as well with the girl. I don't know about you guys, but at their place the men and the women sat separately from each other.

The Father of the girl was a huge supporter of the Wahabi and to certain aspect Salafi practices that were occurring in Saudi Arabia. :| I personally was weirded out by this and so was my Father. I shrugged this off as we all have different opinions and I respect that.

Anyway as we were leaving their home. I was talking to my friend and did not look towards where the women were standing as we were about to leave. Apparently, the girl was looking towards me and I did not even notice her.

In the return car drive back, my Mother asked me did you see the girl who was standing there and did you like her? I was like who? I was oblivious to her as we are told to lower our gaze... I said maybe in the future we could meet them for an actual and proper meeting for any rishta talk.

Later during the week, our mutual family friend's Mother contacts my Mother about the girl and the family. My Mother tells her that my son did not even look at her or know who she was. Also you should have told us. Our family friend tells that the girl's family wanted to not let the guys family to know that they were being checked out. They wanted to judge the family and guy before the guy's family approached us for a proper rishta. Please anyone her shed some light on this? Does this happen to anyone here? My Mother was extremely weirded out by this and declined to continue the discussion.

Later in the year, we went to one of our family friend's daughter wedding. At the wedding, we were seated among the friends area (men and women were seated separately) and it was hard to see what was happening in the center of stage area from where the guys were seated. My Father was standing up to see what was happening at the center of the stage as the bride and groom were coming down. The potential rishta family was there too. The Mother of the girl was sitting with my Mother and the Mother of girl said that my Father was checking girls for me, which is blatant lie. Also she said a few nasty things about my family having a hard time finding a rishta because we still don't own a home. :( We are currently saving up and it depends where I get a job as well to buy a home.

There are few more situations I could share as well. :( :|

So the guy's family and the guy do get demonize. :(
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the last bit is just the case of somebody being shitty. demonizing is something else entirely.

is it common in your circle that women and men are seated seperatly in weddings? seems weird to me.

also the family probably wanted to see how your family was in a more normal setting. if you are there for a rishta everyone is at the best behavior and what not.
 
Z

Zapages

Member
SystemBug said:
the last bit is just the case of somebody being shitty. demonizing is something else entirely.

is it common in your circle that women and men are seated seperatly in weddings? seems weird to me.

also the family probably wanted to see how your family was in a more normal setting. if you are there for a rishta everyone is at the best behavior and what not.
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Honestly, it just depends on whose family friend's event it is. The wedding was separated between men and women tables. Whereas the walima and the mehendi was mixed... Also sometimes we have family sitting tables at some of our family sitting events or at their home... Nearly all events have men and women separated and its never mixed aside from getting food or setting up things.

We are fine with seeing each other in normal conditions and if that is the case then we just say we will meet each other as friends. Then see if things work and move from there. Also what was surprising was that we had met them in normal conditions before in the past at our mutual family friend's place. We were not completely unknown to each other. My parents even helped them buy gifts when the girl's brother who lived in California was getting married in the past. The only difference was that girl never came to the family events or even if she came, I never took notice as our family friend's place has things separate between guys and girls areas...

Hence it was so surprising to find all that out. :(
 
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